And just like that, life changes and takes an unexpected turn…
It’s official, I’m moving to San Diego, CA.
Sometimes we’re presented with opportunities that just fall right into our lap, as if the universe somehow gives you the go ahead without even seeking it in the first place. Just like a sign from above, San Diego knocked on my door, and for once in my life, I’m answering with the strength of my heart. Not logic.
I just gotta say, I’m so damn proud of myself.
But why heart over logic? Why choose something so risky? Why uproot your life? Here’s the thing, I’m TIRED of making safe and perfectly calculated choices. I’m done with the comfort zone. Done with the excuses. Done with wading through the mud. I’m ready for real growth.
The past 6 months have been some of the most transitional times to date. Between finishing grad school, sitting for state licensure to be a therapist, and tons of uncertainty with my career. While also experiencing shifts within my family, establishing a new romantic relationship, starting a new podcast and vlog, and somehow trying to manage my health; to say the struggle is real would be an understatement. No one really prepares you for the comedown from graduate school. I worked so hard for those three years, and after constantly losing sleep, financial stability, connection with others, and self-care, I found myself at the end of the process so bitter and exhausted that I couldn’t even celebrate graduation. Most days I still don’t. This time last year I couldn’t stop thinking, “Thank God I’m almost done with this crap. I’m ready to move on and start living again.” Little did I know that post graduation would plunge me right into the most strange, unknown space in my life. Let me tell y’all…things have been weird. No kidding you, it’s as if someone sat a giant mirror right in front of me, visually displaying all the pain, fear, learned behaviors, and self-doubt standing in my way. This mirror isn’t some tiny compact mirror either, it’s a gorgeous yet profoundly revealing floor mirror (I like to think it’s a funky one from homegoods lol). Needless to say, as many times as I’ve tried to look away and avoid my reflection, I’m learning that the mirror is here to stay. Like it or not, it’s time for me deal with my shit.
And I’ll be honest, I truly believe graduate school was a way for me to delay my own internal work. I kept myself busy, running my mind and body into the ground, all while serving some greater purpose to prove my “success” in life. But here’s what no one tells you, you don’t have to prove a damn thing in life. Really, your level of success is your own, so seeking approval or applause from anyone other than yourself, tends to only harm one person. You.
So here I am, finally taking a LONG look in said mirror. Terrifyingly ready to face what’s in front of me. No more hand holding from my family, no more preoccupation, no more bullshit. I get one shot at life, it’s time to determine my own definition of peace.
Now of course, in natural Alex Morella fashion, I’m packing up my stuff and moving across the country. At first I thought, “That’s insane. What did I work so hard for? Just to move and start over again? You haven’t even known your partner long enough to do this. So many people will be disappointed in you if you move”. Here we go again with the self-doubt and negativity *rolls eyes*. I found myself caring more about what other people would think, rather than what I actually wanted to do. So, after a few months of deliberation, I’ve decided to take the leap. I’ve decided to create my own path, do the unexpected, and finally choose my own healing. Heart over logic. Rarely does it make sense to the mind, but man does it make perfect sense to the soul.
Now to be fair, I’m a whole mixed bag of emotions right now. Some moments I beam with excitement, other moments I cry out of fear. A life-changing decision will do that to ya. Thankfully I’m not a fool and I realize that all of this is normal. I realize the challenges that will come with this decision and recognize that just because I’m changing my location, doesn’t mean that all my problems fade away. I realize that it’s normal to feel both scared and hopeful. I realize it all. And yet, I’m still here, still choosing the same path. This decision continues to make me think of a gift my family gave my Aunt last Christmas. We gifted her a bracelet that read lyrics from a song (OITNB fans will recognize it), it read, “Taking steps is easy, standing still is hard”. Life is too short to stand still, my feet seek new terrain.
So here’s to heart over logic. Here’s to taking the leap. Here’s to experiencing stifling fear and panic, but STILL showing up. Here’s to embracing the pain, NOT avoiding it. Here’s to trusting ourselves enough to know that no matter what, we will be okay. Here’s to unapologetically being who you’ve always wanted to be.
Let’s go for it. Let’s be bold. Let’s move ourselves up the mountain, because I can already tell the view is totally worth it.
As always, thanks for reading and all the support lovelies!
P.S.- Come visit/ meet up with me in paradise!!!